I wonder sometimes if you all ever think to yourselves that Michael's accident is mentioned too regularly, that perhaps its time to "move on", or even that I am "milking it" in some way (it's okay if you have), so I thought maybe I should share where I am with it.
I am SO ready for there to be a time when it somehow isn't a part of almost every day, and everything we do.
I am ready for the day when it doesn't somehow enter into conversation regularly; for the day when life events aren't remembered in the BC (before accident) and AC (after accident) mode; for the day when there are not memories I am having to share with Michael because he was unconscious when they happened; for the day when I feel the appropriate amount of concern for the day to day medical stuff here, and not that if it's not "ICU worthy", it's just not that big of a deal; for the day when we get to feel like it isn't necessarily our "defining moment"; and for the day when I am not caught off guard when I feel that catch in my throat as something (anything) triggers an emotional reaction I am not expecting.
Not because these are all "bad" feelings to have because, Lord knows, they are keeping us grateful. But these things, I feel like, are keeping me from "moving on", what ever moving on is in a case like this.
At the same time, I don't ever want to not share how Michael is, or our story, with those that care or might gain some strength or faith from it; I don't want to ever lose the perspective that getting through this journey has given us; I don't want to forget the memories of what was happening when Michael was unconscious, because there was so much good during that time too; I don't want to ever forget that things could be so much worse, medically speaking, when going through something. Just need to find the balance with it all; I don't want to not be defined by this moment in time....we got through it with optimism, love, and a peace only God could provide, with the help of the amazing "village" we are blessed to be a part of; and I don't even want to not feel the emotions, just maybe not be so caught off guard by them.
How is that for a conundrum!!
|PMTRC Spring Fling|
Love those faces!!
Perhaps it's the insecurity that comes when something like this happens. It's like any other worry we all have about our loved ones, the one we keep tucked away because you cannot really live if your worried about someone you love dying. When your faced with one of those fears you have so carefully tucked away, it's difficult to not worry that one of those other ones you've allowed yourself to think only happens "to other people" isn't really something to worry about happening to you. It is, at it's base, facing mortality, really up close and personal.
In talking with the few I have allowed myself to share some of the feelings I am having with, it appears that at least some of these feelings are similar to what they went through when they lost a loved one. On the one hand, I get that "trauma is trauma" and perhaps these are normal (whatever normal is) feelings to have after one.....on the other hand, I did NOT lose Michael, and it bothers me (okay, it pisses me off) that, a) I am having to work my way through this emotional maze, and b) that I am even playing on the same field with others that have lost someone they love. It seems wrong, and even dare I say, presumptuous of me to think I have any right to, for lack of a better word, grieve alongside them.
Maybe these feeling are grieving the loss of innocence, as silly as that sounds. One would think I would have lost all "innocence" a long time ago!!
The truth is, I don't know. I am working my way through it all as best I can, and having faith that it is going the way it is supposed to. Someday the balance will come. Right?
The next month or so, as we approach the one year anniversary of that day, I am anticipating some ups and downs, and more talk about it than anyone probably wants to hear. Forgive me ahead of time please. Skip over it if your ready to move on, and know I completely understand.
Know though, our gratitude is immeasurable, and pervasive, and I pray, will never, ever lessen. Each moment we have together, every memory made, is priceless....even the difficult ones.
We are blessed to have you all traveling this journey with us.
Edited to add:
I realise now that I have written all this out that I am quite possibly projecting my own frustrations with myself onto others, which was not my intent. No one has said a word about how I am, or should be, handling all of this. Logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand, so while logically I know this is an individual journey and there is no right or wrong way to go about it, and that I would never be thinking these things about someone else's journey, emotionally I couldn't help but wonder if you all were as tired of it as I am. I feel better for having said it, for getting it off my chest, but not because it sent a message to someone else, more because it reminded me where I am and where I am headed.