Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Great Life Re-design 2011 Part I

Hello my friends!!!  Now to back up to the beginning of this post series.......

As I sit here taking a very deep breath, I am aware that I am requiring the additional air in my lungs because I am about to really, really, commit to this thing.  Not only do we NEED to do a life make over, I WANT to do one…..but I am painfully aware of the energy (mental & physical) that will be needed to really make this happen.  It is so much more than a resolution, it’s a necessity that we take our lives back from this beast we call Mito.  So here I am, about to reveal this new direction we are headed in at the McNair household.

An explanation is needed….as a reminder to me why I am doing this (that will no doubt be needed on days when it’s just hard), and to share the thought process with you all, because I know your all just dying to know<grin>.

Our lives have, since way back when Michael & I got married, been a series of twists & turns that have required us to make the adjustments needed to maintain sanity, happiness & some level of peace in our lives.  Lets face it, we ALL have this scenario in our lives. Regardless of what the twists & turns are, we all have to face accepting a “new normal”…. on a pretty regular basis.

Generally speaking, it’s not easy to accept “new normals”.  I have seen some amazing mom’s who seem to do it effortlessly, but in reality, I know better.  I know that, like me, they have to work damn hard to get to that place of peace as they come to terms with some new change in their children.  I also see mom’s who fight it….tooth & nail…..and know that I have been there too.  Being ripped from your comfort zone is just not something anyone relishes….well most don’t anyway.

Up until 2 years ago, I had done a decent job accepting our normal, even as that normal would change.  It wasn’t always instantaneous, and it was never without some effort & soul searching, but I had managed to do it reasonably well.  Accepting where we were, in that moment, allowed there to be some peace in our lives, even when I am sure others could only see it as the chaotic existence it really was. 

Chaos does not exclude peace, I found, but peace in the midst of chaos does not come without effort. 

I suspect other factors play a part in this acceptance, whether it be a time of denial, compartmentalizing it all (and then not allowing yourself to “feel” what’s in that overwhelming compartment), and/or, simply put, playing stupid in the moment. 

I’ll be honest, I have perfected the “playing stupid” part, at least as of late.  If I don’t really KNOW how bad it is, then I can pretend it’s not a big deal. Right??  The mom who used to obsessively research so I could understand, in minute detail, exactly what was happening in my children’s bodies because it felt like it gave me some control….has become the mom who hears a new diagnosis, gets as little information as possible, and then rests in a place of mostly ignorance.  Happily.  At least for a time.  The shift has been pretty remarkable, even to me.

However, having said all that, 2 years ago this unsteady house of cards I have been building began to shake, and one by one the cards have been falling down.  Cards = priorities & priorities = just about anything and everything we need, should & want to do, in case my analogy sucked.  One by one, the cards/priorities have been falling to the wayside, no matter how hard I tried to keep it all together. 

The trigger was no doubt because of all that’s transpired medically with Miss Madison.  Not that the other’s have “missed out on the fun”, but Madi has been mixing things up far too regularly the last two years.  While I have had moments where I felt sure I had accepted the “new normal”, the reality is that normal just keeps changing, faster than I can keep up with accepting it.  NOT a good thing.  For me, or the family.

It’s kind of like thinking something big is about to change and sort of freezing life while you wait to see what’s going to actually happen.  Each time I would make a new plan, the circumstances would change yet again,  and I would be back at square one.  Enough to make a person crazy!!!

Enough to remove all sense of balance… balance.

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