Several times as of late, I have thought to myself how difficult it sometimes is to choose hope & joy. But the longer I do it….the longer I say it and show it to others….the more peacefully I get to that place for real.
The truth is, I am not always there. Sometimes it’s a face I put on….a façade. I do it for others because I want them to maintain hope, or I don’t want them to feel bad for us, or because I get that most people don’t really want to know the depths of the feelings that come almost every day. The thing is though, the more I make myself wear the “happy face”, the more I feel like I am in that happy place for real.
The pain and heartache are always there, but then, so is the joy and hope and awesomeness that is this life we lead. I am not sure I could appreciate one without the other….not fully at least. The greatest pain allows one to fully appreciate the greatest joy.
I shared some in the “And Then There Were Five” page about having the girls with midwives, mostly drug free with Madison, and totally natural with Abby. I mentioned there that I am not a glutton for punishment, that I am happy to take pain meds when they are needed, but that I am so incredibly grateful that I was able to FEEL having my girls……that there was an intensity that I would have missed had I had drugs in my system to dull it down. Because, when we dull down pain, we also dull down all the other emotions/feelings too, including the amazing, good ones.
I want to feel all that this life has to offer me. And while I wish there was no pain involved, I also know that without the pain and anguish that we go through sometimes, we would not have a reference for appreciating and fully embracing the amazing, awesome, victorious life we have.
There is an “Oh” we hear anytime some bit of our story is shared with new people. It’s translation is, “I am so sorry”. I appreciate their heart felt and rather overwhelmed feelings in that moment….there just isn’t a part of our story that can be shared that doesn’t involve some level of disbelief and feeling overwhelmed. I have become adept at quickly reassuring them that we have an AMAZING life. Because we do!! Every heartache has come with blessings galore…we just had to take the time and LEARN how to see them. I have come to appreciate those times because it reminds me too how amazing it all really is.
Thank you to the mom’s that have recently shared their appreciation for my attitude and perspective. It means the world to me to know that I am able to convey how I truly feel. Thanks for those new people that we have come into contact with recently, the ones that said “Oh”, for giving me the chance to remember how awesome it all really is.