On Turning 45 & a Year Later

We acknowledged the one-year mark of Michael’s accident on May 15th. It doesn't sound right to say we celebrated it, or for that matter, that we mourned it. It just was. And it was acknowledged.

Michael took the day off and we spent it together as a family of five. We delivered baked goods to some of our haunts from that time in our lives....Baylor Institute for Rehabilitation, brain injury floor; BIR's inpatient rehab floor; and our trauma surgeon’s office. There wasn't a total rhyme or reason for where we stopped by this time around, but it felt good to go by and say thank you, again. Afterwards we talked of how "at home" Michael felt at BIR, and how I felt some anxiety about being there, although I hadn't expected to. A reminder that although we traveled this path together, our experience was still different. A few weeks out now, I am not sure that we will feel the need to go back again. As it was, there were only a few people we recognized from our time there, and they were the ones we wanted to see, and for them to see Michael, so whole again. Next year we will take some food to the ICU families....or maybe we won't feel compelled to acknowledge the day in quite the same way we did this year.

We finished the day with Michael riding in the Ride of Silence for the first time, and no doubt with more meaning and emotion than it could have had before. My mom, the kids and I were there too, and it was a deep, meaningful way to end the day.

Seeing Day 365 brought closure, even more than I had anticipated. I hoped it might, but was afraid to put too much stock in that possibility. Instead we went into it wanting to acknowledge it, and get from it what we could, without a whole lot of expectations. I am glad for that. It made it even better I think. And now, again a few weeks out, I think it lifted some invisible weight Michael and I were both carrying around with us. I feel like I have sighed with some relief I didn't even realize I needed.

And at the end of the day, it was a day of gratitude. It's difficult to express the depths of gratitude we feel to get the chance to see this day come.

Friday was my 45th birthday, and memories of where we were, and what was happening, this time last year crept in. We really are nearing the end of "the firsts", but this was one we needed to get through and feel what we needed to. The feelings were all good ones, even if I am a little shocked that I could possibly be 45 years old. I am now the same age my mother was when Chance was born and she became a grandmother. It didn't seem like that big of a deal back then, but being on this end of things, I cannot even imagine it!! It's pretty remarkable to look back on four and a half decades of life, and perhaps even more so, with a great deal of respect for each and every moment that I have lived.

I sometimes find myself praying for calm, for a time without trials set in my path. But the truth is, without the trials, the beauty of life, and the blessings sometimes hidden within those moments, would never be as sweet, nor as profound.

So I am grateful.

For each and every moment of these 45 years I have had the privilege of living.

For every wrinkle.

For every gray hair.

Hello 45... ...let's do this!!

The First Ride To Work

While he has been riding for a while now, today Michael rode all the way to work for the first time since the accident.

Starting out way too early for me!!

An incredible milestone, even more quickly than I thought possible. And let’s face it, I was unnaturally optimistic about this recovery!!

I have gone back and read that initial post I wrote, just two days into this journey, and can see in hindsight that I was WILLING him to be okay. I actually have laughed at myself a little for being so sure about things, and then amazed at how right I actually was. I wrote:

We are SO lucky......

as always, he was wearing his helmet and it no doubt saved his life.

the 150+ miles of riding every week for the last 7 years is going to make his ability to recover from this devestation possible.  I am convinced of it, even if the doctors don't seem so sure.

his bull headed stubborness and obsession with riding will make this recovery possible.  The doctors just don't know who they are dealing with yet.

we have the most amazing friends, family & work-family who are literally holding us up through this time.

The doctors just don't know who they are dealing with yet.

I do know my man.

I honestly didn’t even feel a twinge of worry as he walked out the door this morning.  Granted, it was painfully early and I was only half awake, but the truth is, I was happy to see him on his way. I prayed for safety, and prayed he would feel good as he took on this challenge, but knew in my heart of hearts, this is EXACTLY what he is supposed to be doing.

"Lucy" (short for Lucinda from Don Quixote), sitting exactly where she should be this morning

 May is National Bike Month, and this week is "Bike to Work" week. You can read more about it here......http://www.bikeleague.org/programs/bikemonth/

Another Milestone (of the Bikey kind)

Saturday, thanks to some very special people, Michael’s new bike was handed over to start its new life in the McNair household. She is oh so pretty.

Some of those special people met the family at Dallas Bike Works to surprise the old man, and we did. In an awesome, amazing kind of way!!

A quick ride around the parking lot brought a BIG smile.

After formalities were taken care of, we were all off to the house for a little celebratory cook out!!  As I shared on FB, this here…..

THIS is how a backyard should look!!

It was a lovely evening that included a few jaunts out on the new wheels with friends….there is nothing better!!!

Sunday, a quick run to the store for some last minute things needed for the second party of the weekend (I had a Lia Sophia jewelry party), became another excuse to get out on the new wheels. He is a happy man!!

Another example of how amazing the Dallas cycling community really is. We are so blessed to know them and be a part of this group of people.

WC Day 29: It’s Always Something…..

Hospital prep again!! Argh….why didn’t I make notes when getting Madison ready a couple of weeks ago?

This time, Chance is going inpatient.  Not sure if you all remember, but he and Abby had an appointment with our GI doctor when Madison was inpatient, and from that appointment, tomorrow’s admission is taking place. After some talk about where we go from here in dealing with Chance’s large bowel dysmotility, it was decided that we need to do Colonic Manometry again, and see exactly where things stand. So at least this admission is a little more “planned”, as if that somehow makes it less stressful, right!?

To do the Colonic Manometry, we need to admit him the day before and do a mega clean out while supporting him with IV fluids. Wednesday morning he will go under anesthesia and they will place the probes needed for the testing. Because anesthesia can slow intestines down, we then need to wait till the following morning (Thursday) before doing the testing. The testing Thursday will take a big chunk of the day, but then we should be discharged and head home.

This testing is not fun from start to finish…..clean outs suck; anesthesia makes Mom worry; laying flat on your back and not being able to get out of bed for the better part of 2 days has it’s issues (although I wouldn’t mind some forced bed rest sometimes); and getting through the testing itself is not pleasant.

I am proud of my son.

This was HIS decision, and he made it even knowing what it means. This will be his third time getting through the testing. He knows the information is invaluable, and that we need it to guide treatment decisions, so he is going into it with a good attitude.

He is a pretty awesome young man.

Now, in other news…..

Madison is continuing to heal like a (piggy) super star!! My mom (who is again saving our butt by being here with the rest of the kiddo’s while I am away) will bring Madison to me Wednesday for her 3 weeks post op check up. This latest dressing allows for us to see more of what is going on there, and as of Saturday, I swear it’s all but healed!! Our other big news on the Madi front is that my amazing daughter learned how to do her own dressing changes, even with some changes that made it a little more complicated, so she was able to go out with her siblings and visit my mom and dad for a few days!! I can and do a whole lot of medical care around here, and mostly with pleasure, but really do not like wound care. Not sure why, but it is one thing that will get to me faster than anything else…LOL. So for Miss Madison to be able to do it herself, just means it’s not all on me, and I like that….a lot!!

Miss Abby is my favorite child right now, with little drama (well the medical kind) and lots of hugs for her tired mom. She completed a painting for Wish Night last week and did an amazing job. We cannot wait to see how it does at the auction. I may have to pay her to keep being drama free for me ;-)

And finally, Michael, my love.

He, like Abby, is mostly drama free, medically speaking. Also like Abby, drama in general still sometimes happens. I still love him though ;-) He took a nice long ride yesterday with friends, and thoroughly enjoyed himself, even if the ride was cut a little short for him due to ostomy appliance issues. A dear friend wrote about the ride on bike forums and said it so well, I am going to quote him here…..

"The old worn out saw about a picture being worth 1000 words would apply to that photo above. I bet there are 1000 people who if they saw that picture would smile from ear to ear. All day. All week.

That's what courage looks like. I could never do that. Michael McNair can. He did. That takes some kind of special spirit to overcome adversity and soldier on. It was 11 months ago that through the large bay windows of Baylor's ICU unit that I looked down on the spot along the Wetland Cells near the Freedman's Town of Joppa, Texas where we were yesterday. Michael was on life support in the worst way, on a breathing machine and in a coma after being hit by a car while riding his bike. Month and a half in a coma. With all the noise of the machines keeping him alive, frankly I thought this day would never come. But it did. The sun never shown brighter. The wind never calmer. The wildflowers in full bloom."

It certainly made me smile from ear to ear…..thanks for sharing this, Ben.

So, a first ride back down to some his old stomping grounds. 

Another first since the accident happened over the weekend.....all three of our children were gone from home, overnight, at the same time, for the first time since last spring (at least). Yes, Michael and I enjoyed some child free time together!! 

Michael saw a new PT on Friday and should be starting some sessions with her soon. He see’s the orthopedic doc on Thursday, and barring anything unforeseen, we should be able to get the needed script from him then, and can get going with this. I have never had to work so hard getting something dealt with as I have this cramping issue with Michael’s shoulders. I am reminded sometimes how much more frustrating adult care is then pediatrics…..and that is sometimes saying an awful lot. I think we finally have something happening though, and will just be happy when it’s a done deal.

Okay…..dinner is waiting for me, so I am going to go eat and then start packing for tomorrow’s admission. As always, thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

6 Months....

1st ride, Nov 15, 2012

As I watched Michael and Abby ride off into the sunset Thursday night, I couldn’t have been more excited. Such a milestone for Michael….for all of us really. We didn’t just survive the last 6 months since the accident, we LIVED, we had hope, we maintained optimism, we recovered, we were patient, and we loved….on each other and the many people in our lives that have stood by us, and at times, carried us.

Thursday was a HUGE milestone in this journey.

When Michael & Abby arrived back 30 or so minutes later, I walked out back and it was then, seeing the look of pure joy and happiness on Michael’s face, that I got choked up and cried a little as I put my arms around him and just stayed there for a while.  They were tears of joy, not of worry or concern, and honestly until that moment, I wasn’t for sure how I was going to feel when this day arrived in that respect.

It’s been asked, more than once, how I was feeling about Michael being back on his bike. Was I scared, worried, fearful, etc..

My logical side didn’t think so…..well, at least that I wasn’t going to be MORE worried or scared than I ever had been. I am not naïve…I have been aware of the risks all along….but in all honesty, I have always been just as worried about him in a car as I have been with him on a bike. The risks exist there too, but it’s tough to really LIVE if you spend your days worrying about things like this.

Emotionally though, I just couldn’t say for sure. Emotions just don’t play by logics rules.

I could tell you with no qualms that being back on the bike is exactly where Michael should be. I have been saying that since the day of the accident…..have advocated for him to have the ability to do so even. How I was going to FEEL though was something that I couldn’t know.

It felt GOOD…..it felt RIGHT…..and my tears were truly tears of joy and relief to finally see this day. Not even a twinge of fear slipped into that moment, and I am grateful for that.

At the six month mark, I can confidently say that we are all thriving. Michael is back at work full time and has been for almost a month now. We have continued to get released by his doctors, one by one, and in December we will see three more for the last time. By the start of the New Year we will be left with only ONE doctor we didn’t have before the accident, his shoulder orthopedic, and we have high hopes of getting rid of him (as nice as he is) early next year. Michael is walking completely unaided, is dealing with minimal pain, and felt really good on the bike Thursday night.  He has reconditioning to do of course, but what better way than on the bike!!

Mito Family Camp 2012

Life here at home is also getting back to “McNair Normal”, which translates as BUSY and FUN!! We have had some amazing adventures as of late, have had the chance to love on a bunch of our friends and family, and we are embracing living life to its fullest every chance we get. I promise some more posts about all that’s been transpiring over here soon. Suffice for now to say, life continues to be exceptional, and we are incredibly blessed.

Getting ready to ride 11/15/12

Thank you ALL for your thoughts, prayers and support. I simply cannot say this enough….

OCD, Minus the C & D (mostly)

Obsessive is defined as, “Excessive in degree or nature.”

This defines both my husband AND my son.  Not ALL the time, but the vast majority of it.  And I have a love-hate relationship with this aspect of who they are.

For years my son obsessed over bugs and animals. 

He loved them, protected them, learned all he could about them.  We went no where that he was not on the look out for one or another, and he could spot them like nothing I have ever seen. 

I vividly remember when he was being evaluated for autism, telling the therapists that if they had anything bug related in their room they should remove it or risk losing his attention all together.  One of those therapists happened to have a lady bug collection, and she removed every single one before my boy stepped in the room where the evaluation would take place.  In both instances, before he left those rooms, he managed to find a LIVE bug to fawn over…..and as soon as it was spotted, there was no chance any further evaluation would take place.

At the time, it lended itself to the autism diagnosis, but what I knew was that he is his fathers son in this respect.

Turtle Park, Hawaii 2002

Then my little boys obsession was Pokemon….then Yu-Gi-Oh!

Halloween in Hawaii 2002

.....both for far longer than the average child was interested.  Innocent enough, but not exactly something that would take him into adulthood and give him a profession.  Although, it was during Yu-Gi-Oh! that I discovered his photographic memory, and ways that I could aid his ability to retain and more easily access information, so not completely without worth.  And, it was a way that he could relate with other kids at a time when that was so very difficult for him.

Several years ago he discovered mythology and fell in love again.  He poured over information about all kinds of mythologies (interestingly not much Greek, but lots of Norse), read college level books that I, in all honesty, don’t understand at all, and given the chance to talk with someone equally obsessed and in love with mythology, he could completely hold his own.  I would stand and watch these interactions, completely lost on what they were talking about, but loving seeing him show his knowledge AND interacting….really interacting!!  Now this, while not exactly a common course of study, was something he could potentially do something with.  He came to the conclusion that he wanted to get his degree, then a master’s in Mythology and teach it at the university level.  Never being one to doubt his ability to do anything he sets his mind to (we always said he would be a scientist when he was little, and he would tell you he would be a "scientist of everything”), I was thrilled with this turn of events.  His researching ability, reading ability, retention, understanding, and so much more improved tremendously during this time.  I think it even had an impact spiritually in interesting ways.

Late last year there was a shift, and his latest obsession is music

….playing it, listening to it, and knowing a lot about it.  A LOT.  He’d love to have a band, and have it be successful. 

He’s also fascinated with all kinds of different instruments, especially those no one I know has ever heard of before.  Much like the mythology, he can tell you things you never realized you needed to know!!!  Where this particular obsession is going, is anyone’s guess, but you never can have too much music in your life right!!??

This, for the most part, my precious son comes by naturally.  His Daddy is just a wee bit obsessive too.

After 25 years together, I have been privy to more than I could possibly share here.  It’s been an adventure!!!

The latest and greatest is Bike Camping, and he embarked on a trip a few weekends ago. 

I cannot possibly describe the amount of time and thought that is put into every item that was loaded on his bike, or the time he has spent retrofitting his bike to be the way he wants it to be.  Hours and hours, experiment after experiment, that thankfully does eventually culminate in him going on the excursion. 

There are lists to be made……

And certain items we are SO glad he remembered to add on!! LOL

A daughter rooting her old Dad on…..

And not realizing just how much like her Dad she really is, down to “the foot tilt”.

It won’t stop there…..there are always improvements to be made…..but I do enjoy seeing something come together finally.

When all is said and done, as crazy making as these obsessions can be for me, particularly when both boys are in that mode, I cannot help but be fascinated by how their brains work….and sometimes, yeah sometimes, even a little envious of that kind of passion and single mindedness.